From Under My Sculpt

It’s almost four months ago now that I returned from Baha’i Pilgrimage. While I was there I tried to write a little each day, partly as a diary and partly as personal reflection. I’ve typed up and (slightly) edited these notes, and added some thoughts I’ve had over the past month of looking back. The tense is all over the place, a curious mixture of past and present. That’s partly a deliberate stylistic decision, partly an artefact of having written the diary in several different times and locations.

4th January
It’s getting realer and realer. Currently on the plane (a 737-800), travelling the 2,000+ miles to Israel.

Last night, I was feeling very unprepared. Not just in terms of the hurriedness of my preparations, the incompleteness of my arrangements, but also in terms of spiritual preparedness. I don’t feel altogether ready to take on what I’ve set out for. I’m a little anxious too - mainly due to the unsettled situation in Gaza, the fact that I’m travelling alone in an unfamiliar place where I don’t speak the language, and that I’m yet to figure out final arrangements for the final part of my stay in Israel.

I’m trying to be flexible and have no expectations about any of what’s coming - that way, disappointment should be avoided. There’s so much I don’t know about this trip. I’m hoping that everything will just fall neatly into place.

Wow, getting through immigration wasn’t easy. After being asked the same question about 3 or 4 times at the immigration booth, I was led into a little side room and told to wait there. There was a rather flustered-looking American family also there. They had a 3 or 4 year old daughter who was very friendly and decided that she wanted to talk to me. Her name was Hannah, and she’s the first friend I made in Israel.

Anyway, after some more intimidating questioning, I was let into the country without further molestation. I got on a sherut, which is a shared taxi - effectively a minibus - that was heading to Haifa. It took about an hour or so, I’m not entirely sure because I didn’t have a way of telling the time. As we arrived in Haifa I tried to look around out of the window and see where I was, and where the shrines were too. Because I didn’t know the city, I didn’t know where to look, and because it was dark outside, I couldn’t really see anything.

5th January
First day of pilgrimage today. I woke up just as breakfast at the hostel was finishing. I managed to make up a small sandwich before leaving for the Pilgrim Reception Centre with some other Baha’is staying at the hostel. As we caught glimpses of the Shrine of the Báb, I was struck at how odd and surreal the whole experience felt. “It’s real,” I thought. I’ve seen the Shrine, the terraces, the Arc, everything, in innumerable pictures and videos. But to see it with your own eyes - that is entirely different. The same feeling and sense of awe stuck with me throughout the whole day - indeed, the next few days. After registration and orientation, we proceeded to circumambulate the Shrine of the Báb. Soon after, the Shrines were opened for prayer. (I say Shrines in the plural as the building of the Shrine of the Báb also holds the Shrine of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá.)

I went to the Shrine of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá. I’m not going to detail my experience within the Shrine, but afterwards I felt an incredible lightness. All my troubles, worries, and anxieties were gone. I felt so light that I even forgot to visit the Shrine of the Báb. I can only hope the rest of the pilgrimage is this good.

A brief note on the practicalities - when we were registered, we were assigned to a group (according to language), and given our schedule for the time we were there. There was roughly 3 hours of scheduled activity each day - for instance going in a bus with your group and your guide to the Mansion of Mazrá‘ih, where the guide shows you around and explains the significance of the area and so on. The rest of the time is free to use as we please. I was happy to see this balance of guided touring with personal time, allowing for considerable flexibility and personalization of one’s pilgrimage experience. I was also happy to learn how easy it is to make friends on pilgrimage. Just start talking to someone, and go from there. It was so amazing, and there was just so much love in the air it was hard not to make friends with all who crossed your path.

6th January
I awoke early and ascended up the terraces with the others from my hostel. I still can’t believe the terraces are real. I was wearing my kilt because we were going to Bahjí in the morning to visit the Shrine of Bahá’u'lláh. I thought I should look my best, after reading in Momen’s biography that He always liked people to be dressed “in their finery”.

My first time visiting the holiest spot on earth. Amazing. I need to go back, as this scheduled visit was very short.

Then lunch, socializing, and meeting the Universal House of Justice. The day has passed so fast; on the face of it we’ve done very little - but we’ve only visited the Holiest place on the planet and met the supreme institution of the Faith - in one day - so we’ve actually done a tremendous amount!

A talk from the ITC in the evening finishes the schedule, before spending the evening in fellowship with other pilgrims at my hostel.

7th January
Today is out mostly free day, with one scheduled event, in the evening, plus part of my group is going to visit the archives display just after lunch. Looking forward to that greatly. Spent the morning in the monument gardens and on the upper teraces. I realized, however, that much of my day thus far had been essentially sightseeing, rather than pilgrimage, and the few prayers that were uttered were devoid and empty of conviction. With that in mind, I set about with a renewed reverence and mindfulness, and began my tour of the archives - a glimpse into the human side of the Central Figures of the Faith. Seeing items like the clothes, combs, hair, and pictures of these People and of Their families really concreted in my mind their physical reality, as opposed to the spiritual reality which we always remember.

I spent some time in the Shrines of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá and the Báb before dinner with friends, then proceeding to meet with 4 members of the ITC who were in Haifa at the time.

8th January
Today is our first visit to ‘Akká. We visit the barracks where Bahá’u'lláh and His family were first incarcerated, then the house of Udi Khammar and Abbud, which they moved to a few years later.

Actually being in a building that has had the whole Holy Family in it, living and going about their daily business, and being in the very room where the Kitáb-i-Adqás was revealed, among many other tablets, is an incredibly powerful experience. I had never before connected with the story of Mírzá Mihdi, Bahá’u'lláh’s son who fell to his death through a skylight in the barracks. But being at the site of his fall and his death, I was moved greatly. That feeling will stay with me forever. Further, being in the cell where Bahá’u'lláh was kept in solitary confinement was much like being in the Shrines. When I came out, I started trying to put on someone else’s shoes rather than my own, I was so dazed.

Later, we went to Bahjí, and stayed there until closing time. I circumambulated the Shrine a number of times, and then went inside. As I left the shrine, I forgot where I’d left my shoes - not just that, I’d forgotten what my shoes even looked like! I left feeling completely destroyed, detached from all around me. I felt that all the veils that were blinding my vision had been torn away, and I was standing there, blinded by the brilliant light. Later, I returned to the Shrine, full of determination, as if I had been “made anew” - but the closer and closer I got to the Shrine, the more afraid and confused I was and the slower I walked. I had not been made anew, I was just as confused and awestruck as before. I left the Shrine this time with a desire to laugh, cry, jump, shut, leap, run, and most of all, not to leave the Shrine. It felt like I was a piece of iron being torn away from the world’s most powerful magnet. I was being overwhelmed with emotions, but at the same time, I was perfectly calm and tranquil. The happiest day of my life thus far.

9th January
Today we started later, so I wanted to take the opportunity in the morning to send my postcards, visit the German colony, and go to the Shrine of the Báb. Either the German colony was not as exciting as I had hoped, or I was looking in the wrong places. I spent the rest of the time looking for a post office - they didn’t seem to be where they were marked on the map.

We went to Mazrá‘ih and then an all-too-brief visit to Bahjí. Then back to Haifa, for food, some prayers in the Shrines, and then a talk from a member of the Universal House of Justice.

During my time in the Shrines today, I realised that I don’t know how to pray. Especially after my “personal destruction” the day before, I’m seeing everything in a new light - including prayer. Continually amazed and elated, I’m trying to learn everything from scratch.

10th January
Up early for dawn prayers in the Shrine of the Báb, before returning to my hostel for breakfast. Most of today I had free, so I went with Chema (another Baha’i youth staying at my hostel) to the Baha’i Cemetery in Haifa. The cemetery, like many cemeteries, it was an ocean of tranquility within a busy city. Unlike other cemeteries I’ve been to however, it didn’t have the brooding sense of death hanging over it. The overwhelming feeling was one of progress rather than finality, of freedom rather than entrapment. It was humbling seeing all the “big names” buried there - many great figures in early Baha’i history, including Scotland’s own John Esslemont. I said some prayers at his grave for the friends back home.

Haifa being built on and around a mountain, it’s pretty hilly. So rather than waste time and energy battling up a sheer cliff face (or at least, it felt like that), we elected to take a cable-car up the side! Which was a real treat. Once we got up, we quickly visited the upper cave of Elijah (around which a large church has been built), saw the temple land (area on top of the mountain where one day a Baha’i Temple will be built), and then jumped in a sherut to go to Bahjí.

I’ve forgotten what happened in Bahjí that day. That sort of thing happens a lot there. You forget where you’re from, everything from before pilgrimage seems so distant, and it feels like you’re finally home. It feels like I’ve always been here. Like I belong here. It’s a very unusual but comforting feeling.

11th January
Went to see inside the buildings on the arc today, then went to get some kosher pizza! Visited the Shrines, feeling very tranquil. Attended a talk in the evening.

12th January

Today we visited the House of ‘Abdu’lláh Pásha, which is where ‘Abdu’l-Baha and his family stayed in ‘Akká following Bahá’u'lláh’s passing. Following this, some of our group took some time to wander around ‘Akká. I really liked the town - lots of little alleyways, the smell of shisha in the air, the sound of Arabic floating around. While in Haifa I often felt confused, due to the fact that I can’t speak any Hebrew (it’s unusual for me to be in a place where I can’t speak any of the language) - but in ‘Akká, I could communicate (albeit in a limited way) with the locals, understand what was going on, read the signs and posters… It was great! After some falafel and pomegranate juice, we headed to Bahjí in a taxi. In the evening we went back to Haifa for more falafel, and a presentation from one of the members of the Universal House of Justice.

13th January
Our final trip as a pilgrim group was to 4 Haparsim Street and the House of the Master, buildings in Haifa associated with the early years of the Faith, where many of the first believers from the West stayed when they visited the area. There were tears in the eyes of many a pilgrim as goodbyes were said.

I walked up the terraces and spent some time in the monument gardens before going to the Shrines and later attending the pilgrim’s farewell in the evening. There’s an impending sense of the “real world” approaching - I need to make plans, I need x money at y time for z purpose, I need to get my luggage from A to B and make sure I’m with it. I’m considerably less anxious and stressed than I was at the start of the trip. These things seem like trivialities, minor practicalities of limited importance. Although I’m attending to them and they will be sorted in due course, I’m not overly concerned, nor do I anticipate any stress or upset.

At the pilgrim’s farewell I bumped into Matt, a Scottish Baha’i who has been working at the Baha’i World Centre for over a year now. Was great catching up with him. The farewell was amazing, everyone gathered together and circumambulated the Shrine of the Báb.

This last day was colder than the others. The whole time we’ve had excellent weather, bright sunshine. Then, when the time came for us to leave, the weather turned cold at the thought of our separation. “A lover is he who is chill in hell-fire.” It was as if Haifa was lamenting our imminent departure from its holy soil. As we circumambulated the Shrine of the Báb, the clouds rumbled and thunder roared in the distance in sorrow at our parting. The moon was yellow, large and low on the horizon. Many goodbyes were all too brief.

14th January
While many people had left last night, some of us were able to stay an extra day, although we had to leave Haifa by sundown. So I got up early, packed my things, and headed to Bahjí. It was a windy day, and for a moment in my meditations I saw symbolic pervading everything around me. Many people had left, for different places all over the world - the winds of change blew over us, aiding those who had already begun their journey, and filling with confidence those who had yet to set off.
I had come to Bahjí to “say goodbye” as others put it; but I realised that Bahá’u'lláh is always with us, and I really felt that as I left the shrine for the last time. That’s something I’ve never felt before.

Got on a bus with some other pilgrims to Tel-Aviv, and after gradually saying goodbye to them, booked myself into a little youth hostel, alone with my thoughts and my pen. Everything in Haifa feels so distant, and I can barely remember my thoughts and emotions from this morning, let alone earlier this week. I already miss the world centre. I especially already miss many of the pilgrims. Some people say that coming home from Pilgrimage is like waking up after an intensely vivid dream. I see what they mean. However, to me it seems like the other way around. While on pilgrimage, it felt like for the first time in my life that I was actually awake, conscious, perceiving, and now that I’m leaving, I’m falling back asleep.

15th January
Waking up in my Tel-Aviv hostel, I feel well-rested and ready to begin the day. I’ve more or less ran out of money. Took a walk on the beach in the morning after breakfast. Then I put my luggage in my locker, and take a walk through Old Jaffa. Lots of sun, lots of construction work, lots of walking. I have my last meal in Israel - falafel, naturally. I head back to the hostel to pick up my luggage, take a sherut to the train station, a train the airport, and after being stopped by every security guard on duty that day (including all my bags being rifled through, and being questioned about my travels to Egypt and the UAE), I get to my plane.

Looking back now, this pilgrimage has been a defining point in my life. As a person, I feel calmer and more in touch with my faith. Intellectually, I feel I have a much greater understanding of the purpose of the Baha’i Faith, both historically and its role today. My pilgrimage was an amazing experience in every way. Words cannot describe the inadequacy of language for communicating a fitting account of the experience. This was an unforgettable experience, and I encourage all, whether Baha’i or not, to seriously consider visiting.